Gracious: A Practical Primer on Charm, Tact, and Unsinkable Strength by Kelly Williams Brown, Rodale, 2017.
We might wish we could glide through crowds like the Queen Mother enchanting everyone we meet. We think if we just learn some techniques on chatting people up and practice some witty anecdotes we will be charming people in no time. These techniques are useful and the Queen Mother had a number of skills she practiced to be charming, but the “tricks” aren’t the solid basis of her charm. The Queen Mother won hearts and minds by showing interest in everyone she met, never being in a hurry to rush on to someone else, and making people feel they mattered to her. In other words, she was gracious.
Being gracious is not easy. In the last few posts, we have been discussing how other people can contribute to our resilience in life and make life more enjoyable. But, to be completely honest, sometimes people are awful to us which, depending on how we handle it, can contribute to our long-term resilience in a rough way but wreck it in the short-term. How do we deal elegantly and resiliently with “difficult” people? As a start, I suggest reading Gracious by Kelly Williams Brown. This book is a funny guide to being kind in an often terrible world.
Brown’s book provides some practical, modern advice on how to respond to difficult situations and people such as online trolls and friends being inadvertently rude, as well as guidance on how to cope with really tough times. It also has some fun sections on how to be a polite guest and how to throw dinner parties without being an insecure mess. The thing I enjoyed most about the book, though, is the tone and humor as Brown acknowledges the unpleasantness of life and how hard it can be to be kind to others and ourselves. The book came into my life at just the right time as I was dealing with a difficult person in my life and it helped me laugh and gain perspective. I found the book hilarious, and there is an undeniable kinship to be discovered in the author acknowledging and tackling situations everyone encounters at some point in their life. Humor, however, can be very personal and I think some people may not take to it. I enjoy lots of exclamation points and unrelated asides, if you don’t, this book may not be your cup of tea.
Overall, Gracious is a good reminder that the basis of etiquette is practicing kindness to others and making people feel comfortable and included. A reminder that this can be difficult to do all the time, but that it does indeed start with each of us. The “rules” of etiquette and protocol are useful, but without graciousness and a genuine effort to care about other people, they are disingenuous formalities. To quote the OG etiquette rebel, Emily Post, “Etiquette must, if it is to be of more than trifling use, include ethics as well as manners.”
